5 months without news

yes 5 months without news. im talking about my blog. LOL

keep delay this blog until i forgot most of the important things. only thing i remember? is useless one. sien haih

ok. lets talk about studies. hate to talk about it but yea have to...
gonna start second sem of first year advanced soon. very soon. rm2310, new sem fees. so expensive, i know. thats what everyone talking about it. bo bian, PR advanced was the only course in TARC that well recognize by government, as well other universities. perhaps overseas as well. not pretty sure but thats what i heard la... i thought i cant survive first sem. and i did it, though i died at finals. yea no doubt, CRM, org comm, events mgmt, killed me with a single blow. i think im gonna failed org comm. sorry janice. i know the little paragraph i wrote in the answer sheet wont help but, at least i want you to know ITS ME. sorry to disappoint you but.... i dont know. maybe its the psychology effects. last paper, made me even no heart to pour and vomit all out on the paper. i dont know why i just cant... im sorry dear janice.

back to this issue in my brain. RM2310. its not i cant afford to study. its not i cant make up the assignments and finals. its not the time. its the worthiness. i dont have the mindset to lead in the future, at work. i dont have the mindset to be leader, boss, manager, etc. YET. its been since i was small, i hate the piling up unnecessary responsibility. worried for other people. need to close shits of others. sien. with great powers comes great responsibilities. or perhaps like what my dad always did to me, stay out of trouble, meaning, dont be leader. just follow and do your best.

but what my dad did, he follow his boss, did the best for his job, and nowm today, whenever he goes, even the boss respect him and needed him badly to operate the factory. not me, not yet, im not yet up to that level definitely. but of course, i enjoy being envy and needed by others. its the sense of belonging. so i believe im normal to have this mindset cause its part or maslow's pyramid.

so, what happen was, sicne im not gonna work that high level, why the crap i wasting so much money on something simple? i just want a simple life right? i just want a normal job right? i dont mind working under people for the rest of my life. cause i still lost, and always lost in my life. no direction at all. no motivation. slack all the time. i screw my whole first sem seriously. besides event, i seriously screw up my life there. look at assignments. the lowest in whole class. i shall withdraw. what kept me here? i saw there are people who got even lower marks than i do yet they enjoy and surviving in the course. i told myself, why i cant? therefore i stayed. but i finally realize why would they enjoy in the course. because of FRIENDSHIP. that is what hold them strong on the course despite all the barriers and hurricanes. me? its my problem, finally.

no matter where i goes, still, i would have this problem. same shit problem. network. relationship. that is why wherever i go, still got people dislike me though i did nothing that offend them.
just because that fugging email. why they all so fugging childish. infected by that freaking prank. well, never mind. she did a great job in the email therefore some credit shall goes to her. it did have long, really long term effect on me. just what she planned.

if i just wanted a simple life and job, why am i wasting my parents' money to study this advanced? i believe this advanced would give me brighter future. but, you wont spend rm50 to buy body shower right. you need to bath, but rm50 is perhaps too much. rm20 would be fine.
you got the idea?

if that is the case, why am i wasting money on this course? while what i want is actually the most moderate? i bet even i withdraw, besides her, no others would actually felt my disappearance. perhaps, for the future, wherever i go, still there are people dislike me. so my decision, new sem, just shut up and stop helping people. tired and sick of helping yet not appreciated, but been thought that i would harm them. fug my life. fug everything up. i even slack to find my own future. own work. own experience. own money. fug my life!!!!!

i have no future. no money no nothing. just fug up. pure spoiled brat. fug up! total screwed.
if i want the simplest life for myself, why am i... spending so much.. on my educations now. just get my arse on local degree would do. if i had the efforts, like my sister, local degree from UTAR, working in MICROSOFT SINGAPORE. far far from a good son. fug my life.

thats all i wanna say. my life? fug up. screw up. i hungry. off to pokemon.

i love you carmen jang 2.30am 22 SEPT 2010.