since the day he left me, i knew today would be the day that i need to face it alone. all alone. their really really unacceptable faces really makes me dont belongs to anywhere and i dont feel comfortable to attend the classes anymore. i really hate them. why got such people in my life that so fug up that i need to deal with. so shitty.
i hate to see them. very hate to see them. if not because event i wouldnt even talk to them. now i felt that, people from other classes are more friendly and better and friendlier. easier to get along. so many discrimination and stereotype. i very sien with this life. really sien.
last time i told myself, no matter what i do or how i failed, i would just get a degree at least. juse because follow friends i went to advanced for no reason. and found out that i really cant cope with it. i dont know, really lost, and no hope. i do not know how long can i survive in this cruel game. i dont know if i can make it this sem. even if i did, how about next sem and the sem after? i didnt have the courage to hold on anymore. all supports, from the beginning, is just empty shells. did i rely too much on others? or i need to stand on my own feets. one conclusion is, no one worth my trust anymore.
even the closest person with me at the moment, didnt seems to read my mind. or she just ignore it since nothing she can do to fix it. well i really her to comfort me at this time. but she know nothing about this.
im really sick and tired of this game. perhaps, i should have gone to kampar for a degree. wouldnt be so much trouble like this hopefully. i rather go there all alone, than facing all this bullshtis. and the effing faces that really difficult to swallow.
i cant take it anymore. in one second i think of just give up. wait for the next batch and continue there. i just no longer has the strength to hold on. i feel so tired. restless. suffering torturing. whose not??
but the problem is, im not happy. at all. going to classes everyday has just become another daymares to me. i really hate to see them as they brought great disgust to my life.but i end up realize, since its my problem, even i wait another 2 or 3 years, it's still would be the same. wont change much. that is why for the next second, i decided to stay on. but how long? will not be long. trust me. 1st OCT, result come out. lets see how i failed my first sem.
perhaps, im just not that person that can further my studies. i hardly survived diploma. dont even mention advanced.
now i understood how those people could survive. they have networks. they have companion. stay together during hard time, which form happiness. me? im just plain lone. my slackness had cause me who am i today. i just hope, i can fill up the withdrawal form and just leave. no one gonna give a shit about me either. so why cares...
the last thing my mom told me when i told her i'll failed few subjects in my finals, she told me "study hard la"
thats all she said to me. a simple yet easiest instruction to understand. but it just me, that i cant live up to that expectation. perhaps dying is one of the choice that comes intop my mind. how was it feel when i just cli,b over the balcony and slip down from 21st floor. it would feel great. the second before i die, i would had over come my fear of height. shout out loud my last scream. and rest in peace. recently many people died. so no one cares if there is another people that died. especially when it was me the not-so-important-people.
im really tired and sick of these people. i had had enough. now i truly believe, im just not that person that suitable and got what it takes to study advance. thats all. im a fai chai.
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