since the day he left me, i knew today would be the day that i need to face it alone. all alone. their really really unacceptable faces really makes me dont belongs to anywhere and i dont feel comfortable to attend the classes anymore. i really hate them. why got such people in my life that so fug up that i need to deal with. so shitty.
i hate to see them. very hate to see them. if not because event i wouldnt even talk to them. now i felt that, people from other classes are more friendly and better and friendlier. easier to get along. so many discrimination and stereotype. i very sien with this life. really sien.
last time i told myself, no matter what i do or how i failed, i would just get a degree at least. juse because follow friends i went to advanced for no reason. and found out that i really cant cope with it. i dont know, really lost, and no hope. i do not know how long can i survive in this cruel game. i dont know if i can make it this sem. even if i did, how about next sem and the sem after? i didnt have the courage to hold on anymore. all supports, from the beginning, is just empty shells. did i rely too much on others? or i need to stand on my own feets. one conclusion is, no one worth my trust anymore.
even the closest person with me at the moment, didnt seems to read my mind. or she just ignore it since nothing she can do to fix it. well i really her to comfort me at this time. but she know nothing about this.
im really sick and tired of this game. perhaps, i should have gone to kampar for a degree. wouldnt be so much trouble like this hopefully. i rather go there all alone, than facing all this bullshtis. and the effing faces that really difficult to swallow.
i cant take it anymore. in one second i think of just give up. wait for the next batch and continue there. i just no longer has the strength to hold on. i feel so tired. restless. suffering torturing. whose not??
but the problem is, im not happy. at all. going to classes everyday has just become another daymares to me. i really hate to see them as they brought great disgust to my life.but i end up realize, since its my problem, even i wait another 2 or 3 years, it's still would be the same. wont change much. that is why for the next second, i decided to stay on. but how long? will not be long. trust me. 1st OCT, result come out. lets see how i failed my first sem.
perhaps, im just not that person that can further my studies. i hardly survived diploma. dont even mention advanced.
now i understood how those people could survive. they have networks. they have companion. stay together during hard time, which form happiness. me? im just plain lone. my slackness had cause me who am i today. i just hope, i can fill up the withdrawal form and just leave. no one gonna give a shit about me either. so why cares...
the last thing my mom told me when i told her i'll failed few subjects in my finals, she told me "study hard la"
thats all she said to me. a simple yet easiest instruction to understand. but it just me, that i cant live up to that expectation. perhaps dying is one of the choice that comes intop my mind. how was it feel when i just cli,b over the balcony and slip down from 21st floor. it would feel great. the second before i die, i would had over come my fear of height. shout out loud my last scream. and rest in peace. recently many people died. so no one cares if there is another people that died. especially when it was me the not-so-important-people.
im really tired and sick of these people. i had had enough. now i truly believe, im just not that person that suitable and got what it takes to study advance. thats all. im a fai chai.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
5 months without news
yes 5 months without news. im talking about my blog. LOL
keep delay this blog until i forgot most of the important things. only thing i remember? is useless one. sien haih
ok. lets talk about studies. hate to talk about it but yea have to...
gonna start second sem of first year advanced soon. very soon. rm2310, new sem fees. so expensive, i know. thats what everyone talking about it. bo bian, PR advanced was the only course in TARC that well recognize by government, as well other universities. perhaps overseas as well. not pretty sure but thats what i heard la... i thought i cant survive first sem. and i did it, though i died at finals. yea no doubt, CRM, org comm, events mgmt, killed me with a single blow. i think im gonna failed org comm. sorry janice. i know the little paragraph i wrote in the answer sheet wont help but, at least i want you to know ITS ME. sorry to disappoint you but.... i dont know. maybe its the psychology effects. last paper, made me even no heart to pour and vomit all out on the paper. i dont know why i just cant... im sorry dear janice.
back to this issue in my brain. RM2310. its not i cant afford to study. its not i cant make up the assignments and finals. its not the time. its the worthiness. i dont have the mindset to lead in the future, at work. i dont have the mindset to be leader, boss, manager, etc. YET. its been since i was small, i hate the piling up unnecessary responsibility. worried for other people. need to close shits of others. sien. with great powers comes great responsibilities. or perhaps like what my dad always did to me, stay out of trouble, meaning, dont be leader. just follow and do your best.
but what my dad did, he follow his boss, did the best for his job, and nowm today, whenever he goes, even the boss respect him and needed him badly to operate the factory. not me, not yet, im not yet up to that level definitely. but of course, i enjoy being envy and needed by others. its the sense of belonging. so i believe im normal to have this mindset cause its part or maslow's pyramid.
so, what happen was, sicne im not gonna work that high level, why the crap i wasting so much money on something simple? i just want a simple life right? i just want a normal job right? i dont mind working under people for the rest of my life. cause i still lost, and always lost in my life. no direction at all. no motivation. slack all the time. i screw my whole first sem seriously. besides event, i seriously screw up my life there. look at assignments. the lowest in whole class. i shall withdraw. what kept me here? i saw there are people who got even lower marks than i do yet they enjoy and surviving in the course. i told myself, why i cant? therefore i stayed. but i finally realize why would they enjoy in the course. because of FRIENDSHIP. that is what hold them strong on the course despite all the barriers and hurricanes. me? its my problem, finally.
no matter where i goes, still, i would have this problem. same shit problem. network. relationship. that is why wherever i go, still got people dislike me though i did nothing that offend them.
just because that fugging email. why they all so fugging childish. infected by that freaking prank. well, never mind. she did a great job in the email therefore some credit shall goes to her. it did have long, really long term effect on me. just what she planned.
if i just wanted a simple life and job, why am i wasting my parents' money to study this advanced? i believe this advanced would give me brighter future. but, you wont spend rm50 to buy body shower right. you need to bath, but rm50 is perhaps too much. rm20 would be fine.
you got the idea?
if that is the case, why am i wasting money on this course? while what i want is actually the most moderate? i bet even i withdraw, besides her, no others would actually felt my disappearance. perhaps, for the future, wherever i go, still there are people dislike me. so my decision, new sem, just shut up and stop helping people. tired and sick of helping yet not appreciated, but been thought that i would harm them. fug my life. fug everything up. i even slack to find my own future. own work. own experience. own money. fug my life!!!!!
i have no future. no money no nothing. just fug up. pure spoiled brat. fug up! total screwed.
if i want the simplest life for myself, why am i... spending so much.. on my educations now. just get my arse on local degree would do. if i had the efforts, like my sister, local degree from UTAR, working in MICROSOFT SINGAPORE. far far from a good son. fug my life.
thats all i wanna say. my life? fug up. screw up. i hungry. off to pokemon.
i love you carmen jang 2.30am 22 SEPT 2010.
keep delay this blog until i forgot most of the important things. only thing i remember? is useless one. sien haih
ok. lets talk about studies. hate to talk about it but yea have to...
gonna start second sem of first year advanced soon. very soon. rm2310, new sem fees. so expensive, i know. thats what everyone talking about it. bo bian, PR advanced was the only course in TARC that well recognize by government, as well other universities. perhaps overseas as well. not pretty sure but thats what i heard la... i thought i cant survive first sem. and i did it, though i died at finals. yea no doubt, CRM, org comm, events mgmt, killed me with a single blow. i think im gonna failed org comm. sorry janice. i know the little paragraph i wrote in the answer sheet wont help but, at least i want you to know ITS ME. sorry to disappoint you but.... i dont know. maybe its the psychology effects. last paper, made me even no heart to pour and vomit all out on the paper. i dont know why i just cant... im sorry dear janice.
back to this issue in my brain. RM2310. its not i cant afford to study. its not i cant make up the assignments and finals. its not the time. its the worthiness. i dont have the mindset to lead in the future, at work. i dont have the mindset to be leader, boss, manager, etc. YET. its been since i was small, i hate the piling up unnecessary responsibility. worried for other people. need to close shits of others. sien. with great powers comes great responsibilities. or perhaps like what my dad always did to me, stay out of trouble, meaning, dont be leader. just follow and do your best.
but what my dad did, he follow his boss, did the best for his job, and nowm today, whenever he goes, even the boss respect him and needed him badly to operate the factory. not me, not yet, im not yet up to that level definitely. but of course, i enjoy being envy and needed by others. its the sense of belonging. so i believe im normal to have this mindset cause its part or maslow's pyramid.
so, what happen was, sicne im not gonna work that high level, why the crap i wasting so much money on something simple? i just want a simple life right? i just want a normal job right? i dont mind working under people for the rest of my life. cause i still lost, and always lost in my life. no direction at all. no motivation. slack all the time. i screw my whole first sem seriously. besides event, i seriously screw up my life there. look at assignments. the lowest in whole class. i shall withdraw. what kept me here? i saw there are people who got even lower marks than i do yet they enjoy and surviving in the course. i told myself, why i cant? therefore i stayed. but i finally realize why would they enjoy in the course. because of FRIENDSHIP. that is what hold them strong on the course despite all the barriers and hurricanes. me? its my problem, finally.
no matter where i goes, still, i would have this problem. same shit problem. network. relationship. that is why wherever i go, still got people dislike me though i did nothing that offend them.
just because that fugging email. why they all so fugging childish. infected by that freaking prank. well, never mind. she did a great job in the email therefore some credit shall goes to her. it did have long, really long term effect on me. just what she planned.
if i just wanted a simple life and job, why am i wasting my parents' money to study this advanced? i believe this advanced would give me brighter future. but, you wont spend rm50 to buy body shower right. you need to bath, but rm50 is perhaps too much. rm20 would be fine.
you got the idea?
if that is the case, why am i wasting money on this course? while what i want is actually the most moderate? i bet even i withdraw, besides her, no others would actually felt my disappearance. perhaps, for the future, wherever i go, still there are people dislike me. so my decision, new sem, just shut up and stop helping people. tired and sick of helping yet not appreciated, but been thought that i would harm them. fug my life. fug everything up. i even slack to find my own future. own work. own experience. own money. fug my life!!!!!
i have no future. no money no nothing. just fug up. pure spoiled brat. fug up! total screwed.
if i want the simplest life for myself, why am i... spending so much.. on my educations now. just get my arse on local degree would do. if i had the efforts, like my sister, local degree from UTAR, working in MICROSOFT SINGAPORE. far far from a good son. fug my life.
thats all i wanna say. my life? fug up. screw up. i hungry. off to pokemon.
i love you carmen jang 2.30am 22 SEPT 2010.
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