again again again and again

since the day he left me, i knew today would be the day that i need to face it alone. all alone. their really really unacceptable faces really makes me dont belongs to anywhere and i dont feel comfortable to attend the classes anymore. i really hate them. why got such people in my life that so fug up that i need to deal with. so shitty.

i hate to see them. very hate to see them. if not because event i wouldnt even talk to them. now i felt that, people from other classes are more friendly and better and friendlier. easier to get along. so many discrimination and stereotype. i very sien with this life. really sien.

last time i told myself, no matter what i do or how i failed, i would just get a degree at least. juse because follow friends i went to advanced for no reason. and found out that i really cant cope with it. i dont know, really lost, and no hope. i do not know how long can i survive in this cruel game. i dont know if i can make it this sem. even if i did, how about next sem and the sem after? i didnt have the courage to hold on anymore. all supports, from the beginning, is just empty shells. did i rely too much on others? or i need to stand on my own feets. one conclusion is, no one worth my trust anymore.
even the closest person with me at the moment, didnt seems to read my mind. or she just ignore it since nothing she can do to fix it. well i really her to comfort me at this time. but she know nothing about this.

im really sick and tired of this game. perhaps, i should have gone to kampar for a degree. wouldnt be so much trouble like this hopefully. i rather go there all alone, than facing all this bullshtis. and the effing faces that really difficult to swallow.

i cant take it anymore. in one second i think of just give up. wait for the next batch and continue there. i just no longer has the strength to hold on. i feel so tired. restless. suffering torturing. whose not??
but the problem is, im not happy. at all. going to classes everyday has just become another daymares to me. i really hate to see them as they brought great disgust to my life.but i end up realize, since its my problem, even i wait another 2 or 3 years, it's still would be the same. wont change much. that is why for the next second, i decided to stay on. but how long? will not be long. trust me. 1st OCT, result come out. lets see how i failed my first sem.

perhaps, im just not that person that can further my studies. i hardly survived diploma. dont even mention advanced.

now i understood how those people could survive. they have networks. they have companion. stay together during hard time, which form happiness. me? im just plain lone. my slackness had cause me who am i today. i just hope, i can fill up the withdrawal form and just leave. no one gonna give a shit about me either. so why cares...

the last thing my mom told me when i told her i'll failed few subjects in my finals, she told me "study hard la"

thats all she said to me. a simple yet easiest instruction to understand. but it just me, that i cant live up to that expectation. perhaps dying is one of the choice that comes intop my mind. how was it feel when i just cli,b over the balcony and slip down from 21st floor. it would feel great. the second before i die, i would had over come my fear of height. shout out loud my last scream. and rest in peace. recently many people died. so no one cares if there is another people that died. especially when it was me the not-so-important-people.

im really tired and sick of these people. i had had enough. now i truly believe, im just not that person that suitable and got what it takes to study advance. thats all. im a fai chai.

5 months without news

yes 5 months without news. im talking about my blog. LOL

keep delay this blog until i forgot most of the important things. only thing i remember? is useless one. sien haih

ok. lets talk about studies. hate to talk about it but yea have to...
gonna start second sem of first year advanced soon. very soon. rm2310, new sem fees. so expensive, i know. thats what everyone talking about it. bo bian, PR advanced was the only course in TARC that well recognize by government, as well other universities. perhaps overseas as well. not pretty sure but thats what i heard la... i thought i cant survive first sem. and i did it, though i died at finals. yea no doubt, CRM, org comm, events mgmt, killed me with a single blow. i think im gonna failed org comm. sorry janice. i know the little paragraph i wrote in the answer sheet wont help but, at least i want you to know ITS ME. sorry to disappoint you but.... i dont know. maybe its the psychology effects. last paper, made me even no heart to pour and vomit all out on the paper. i dont know why i just cant... im sorry dear janice.

back to this issue in my brain. RM2310. its not i cant afford to study. its not i cant make up the assignments and finals. its not the time. its the worthiness. i dont have the mindset to lead in the future, at work. i dont have the mindset to be leader, boss, manager, etc. YET. its been since i was small, i hate the piling up unnecessary responsibility. worried for other people. need to close shits of others. sien. with great powers comes great responsibilities. or perhaps like what my dad always did to me, stay out of trouble, meaning, dont be leader. just follow and do your best.

but what my dad did, he follow his boss, did the best for his job, and nowm today, whenever he goes, even the boss respect him and needed him badly to operate the factory. not me, not yet, im not yet up to that level definitely. but of course, i enjoy being envy and needed by others. its the sense of belonging. so i believe im normal to have this mindset cause its part or maslow's pyramid.

so, what happen was, sicne im not gonna work that high level, why the crap i wasting so much money on something simple? i just want a simple life right? i just want a normal job right? i dont mind working under people for the rest of my life. cause i still lost, and always lost in my life. no direction at all. no motivation. slack all the time. i screw my whole first sem seriously. besides event, i seriously screw up my life there. look at assignments. the lowest in whole class. i shall withdraw. what kept me here? i saw there are people who got even lower marks than i do yet they enjoy and surviving in the course. i told myself, why i cant? therefore i stayed. but i finally realize why would they enjoy in the course. because of FRIENDSHIP. that is what hold them strong on the course despite all the barriers and hurricanes. me? its my problem, finally.

no matter where i goes, still, i would have this problem. same shit problem. network. relationship. that is why wherever i go, still got people dislike me though i did nothing that offend them.
just because that fugging email. why they all so fugging childish. infected by that freaking prank. well, never mind. she did a great job in the email therefore some credit shall goes to her. it did have long, really long term effect on me. just what she planned.

if i just wanted a simple life and job, why am i wasting my parents' money to study this advanced? i believe this advanced would give me brighter future. but, you wont spend rm50 to buy body shower right. you need to bath, but rm50 is perhaps too much. rm20 would be fine.
you got the idea?

if that is the case, why am i wasting money on this course? while what i want is actually the most moderate? i bet even i withdraw, besides her, no others would actually felt my disappearance. perhaps, for the future, wherever i go, still there are people dislike me. so my decision, new sem, just shut up and stop helping people. tired and sick of helping yet not appreciated, but been thought that i would harm them. fug my life. fug everything up. i even slack to find my own future. own work. own experience. own money. fug my life!!!!!

i have no future. no money no nothing. just fug up. pure spoiled brat. fug up! total screwed.
if i want the simplest life for myself, why am i... spending so much.. on my educations now. just get my arse on local degree would do. if i had the efforts, like my sister, local degree from UTAR, working in MICROSOFT SINGAPORE. far far from a good son. fug my life.

thats all i wanna say. my life? fug up. screw up. i hungry. off to pokemon.

i love you carmen jang 2.30am 22 SEPT 2010.

Right Here Waiting For You

Again... I wait you alone here. All by myself. I cant get to you. And I dont know how I can get to you. So my only choice was wait. No matter how long or how far, I wont let it be my excuse. If you cant get to me, i'll get to you instead. Nothing shall stop me from seeing you. Because I love you so much, i'll travel to a place i've never been jus to see u for a moment. Because you worth it. There is no need for me to vow I love you. Cos everything I do, I do it for you. Because I love you. I'm here, alone, waiting for your come back.

From the bottom of my heart with love.

L.O.V.E. I.S. B.L.I.N.D.

What is the meaning of love is blind?

- it means when you knew you going to lose it, but you still put yourself into it,
- you still commit fully into it
- you still sacrifice without thinking

= that means you're blind.

When every signal shows you the warning, you still head into it, = you're blind.

When you know something is not going to happen, but you still work it out, = you're blind.

When you know you're such a failure at it, but yet you put so much efforts to fix it, = you're blind.


Tell me, im a plain idiot.

Tell me, this is unboundable love.


When i know its going to end, why i still wants to start it?

When i know nothing can stop it from happen, why i still trying?

When everything seems to going backward, why am i the onle one pushing forward?


Yes, once again, im standing at the edge of cliff.
No one pulled me from the edge.
No one save me from the height.
No one, gonna help me.

Im there all alone from the beginning. Or i just hope too much?

Im selfish, or im foolish.

If you leave me at night, i'll wake up alone
dont tell me that i will make it on my own.

If you leave me tonight, this heart of stone will sing til it die
if you leave me tonight


From the beginning, you wont understand my pain. You wont.

Im sorry that i didnt understand you.
Im sorry that i make it difficult for you.
Im sorry that i couldnt be perfect for you.

AND

Im sorry that i love you

it come and go, like it always been

me, in my so called office in WMAC. a total fcuked up company that gonna close any second. with the matter of the politics involved in the management, and the small soldiers who faught like cow yet didnt get paid. thats bullshit. a company with a phone line, but couldnt make a call out, cause didnt pay telephone bill. whats next? cut off water? electricity? another sore shit. is that gonna happen, then only this whole shit gonna dissolve? and to what extent i have to bear all the consequences?
mind you i did not know a shit til i reach here. yet, shit is all over my body. when i was down, where were you. arent you concern about me? when i need you most, where were you?
i hope, one day i just woke up, and God will tell me

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. THAT IS WHY IM TAKING YOU WITH ME

when all hopes gone. you came into my life and restore it. when im at the edge of cliff, you pull me back fron the raging waves. when im near the fire, you set it off to save me, and i realize that you gave me warmth.

well that was what i thought at first. it turns out, no one restore my hope. i just happen to fall asleep. you did not pull me from cliff. you just pass by by the road side and laugh at me saying IDIOT ASS. and you are the one who kick me from the back, thanks. you set off the fire, but you didnt give me warmth. it was daylight and you scolded me said i shouldnt open fire as it contribute to global warming.

in the end, it just me who thinks too much. thinking that i would have another chance. but its all just a dream. i woke up. and i walk all the way to the cliff, again. but this time, another you appear. you did pull me away from the cliff, but... you didnt stop me from commit suicide with another approached. i rather die without you. but you werent belongs to me from the beginning. im just not good enough

the end of my world again...

it has been really long time since i last write blog. well, graduated successfully but not greatly. didnt even achieve 3.0 GCPA. disappointed. from 2.99 drop to 2.91. haih... ruined my diploma. swear gonna work hard in advance. this is not the reason i write blog. what else move me to write blog besides love? im bored of it now. so do my fellow bloggers.


WHAT IS LOVE?

YOU'RE LIKE THE NORTH POLE OF A MAGNET BAR, AND HE IS ALSO LIKE A NORTH POLE OF A MAGNET BAR

THERE IS NO WAY FOR BOTH OF YOU TO BE CLOSE TOGETHER.

THERE'S A FORCE THAT'LL ALWAYS PUSH YOU BOTH APART. THIS FORCE IS CALLED THE OBSTACLE, LIKE INTEREST DIFFERENCES, COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS, AND ETC.

HOWEVER, IF YOU PUT A METAL BAR IN BETWEEN, BOTH YOUR MAGNETS WILL STICK TO IT

AND, YOU'LL BE CLOSE TO EACH OTHER.

THE METAL BAR DISSOLVES THE FORCE THAT PUSHES BOTH OF YOU AWAY.

THAT METAL BAR IS WHAT WE CALLED...

L.O.V.E.

REMEMBER : To be happy, either you change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy.

BUT, ME, I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD FOR YOU


this happen to me again. when all hopes seems to lost, you gave me new hope. i felt like im awake from long sleep. the sleeps where dreams wont come true. but you made that dream come true. we didnt knew each other longer. and yet we manage to pull us together. from the beginning, i already expect all these to happen. and im ready to face all these obstacles.
when i found you, i knew i found the right person for myself. but i didnt know that im not the right person for you. when things seems goes well and smooth for me, it did not happen the same to you. when all my hopes and prayers i gave to you, you took it away in the speed of lighting. although all the reasons you gave me is the same as my past, but i'll never treat you the same as the past. you are my brand new world. you shed lights in my darkness. you gave new hopes for my long lost world. and you made me sweet dream when im having worst nightmare.

you are the first person that made me trustworthy again. you are the one that made me feel worthiness. the time may have been short but its more than enough. although we may look each other from far, but i felt instant happiness in myself. although i can only stare at you for a seconds, but it already make my heart gloom. each day my feeling grow deeper for you. and only when i realize i fall too much to you, things were too late to turn bad.

i couldnt live my life the way i did before. i no longer felt the same. the trauma hunt me back. despite all my efforts, now go down the drain just of my mistakes. when can i get rid of my mistakes. when can i be better for you. when, only when, the metal bar we called love, can dissolves the obstacles between us.

i work so hard to develop my feelings to you. i miss you the moment we hang up. and i think of you everynight before i sleep. and i waking up every morning by saying "good morning dear *kiss you on the lips* "

again, you are the one and first who i shed my tears for in this whole brand new world. when all seems to begin, its only the starting of the ending. i wish, a single SORRY and TAKE CARE, will ever cure the wound in my heart. you cure my old wound, and create a new one. i never regret being with you. even though i didnt manage to hold you. and i never blame you for whatever that happened between us. why am i still so dull that i couldnt find the metal bar to place it between us. or it never exist as whwat people always talk about it.

the only thing i regret for ever, is i didnt take the chance to hold your hand for the first and last time last sunday, 14 march 2010. even just less than a second. it would be sweet enough for me. i wish, i can be there to comfort you when you are down and sad. i wish, i would be the one you see the moment you open your eyes eevry morning. i wish, i would hug you to sleep every night. perhaps, all this is again, a dream. all this while ive been in another fantasy dream. please God, please wake me up. please give me the strength to wake up from this fantasy world. i didnt wake up at all. it just happen to me that i woke up in another nightmares.

only God knows how much i love you. only God knows how much you meant to me. and only God knows how i dont meant to hurt you. im sorry i made you feel pressured. im sorry that i disappointed you. im sorry that we didnt understand each other. im sorry that i act this way that you think i did not understands you. im sorry, for being in such way that it makes you think i pressure you. im sorry. but i knew its too late. i just cant accept things gonna end when it just seems to be beginning. i still dont believe what happened. never would i accept it.

im lost, again. im fall, again. and i lose the person i love most, again. all this while im doing were wrong. mistakes. unforgiveable. every single of your words tears my heart apart. i couldnt imagine those words came out from your mouth. i couldnt believe that you think that way. i couldnt believe i failed you, again.

its been awhile

its been a while since i got this feeling (i got a feeling - bep). and i dont know when it will end. somehow, i figure it out the beginning. he suddenly turn away from me. away away away. far far away. i wasn't confident i would be able to keep up with him or not. or even i can have a plce in his heart or not. it seems like, im gone. no, HE gone. but its a good thing. i cant always rely on him. i've got to live on my own. someday later. perhaps now its the right time. he no longer avaiable for me. no longer care me. i have to live on my own. i couldnt thank him more than this. he had no doubt, help me when im up or down. im am a product of him. without him, i would be worse. officially send my thankfulness to him here. although im sure he wont be reading this, cause he dont like to read.

if you ever ask me, who is the first and only guy that made you shed your tears for him, he will be my only answer. because of him i am who am i today. without him, im just a pile of junk. piece of shit. i couldnt elaborate more what he had help me, yet he is so humble. i couldnt further explain what he had done to me. there are... too much to count from... and i couldnt remember too. i just can say that he is very helpful all these years. and the reason my tears shed for. i really.... speechless. no one ever in my life had hurt me this much, as a guy i mean. and yet he did. now everything seems over for me. no more him. no more his voice in my mind and his laugh, jokes, and nonsense... no more. all gone.

well, outta mood to write. i really miss him badly. hope he success in life and get what he want. thanks for all the guidance throughout my diploma. im gonna live my own these coming days, months, and years. i will try not to rely you anymore. cause if i do, i will hurt badly, silently, no one know.

Christmas eve family dinner

Its been a long time. Long long time since i last saw such phenomenan. One of my favourite which i would go far for it. Skipping class for this dinner is nothing. Well i was always looking forward for such gathering. Nothing but peace and worrylessness in every single spoon fed into mouth. Unspeakable happiness. Perhaps thats what they said Jesus is with us. To me, He is eating with us. And he brought peace and happiness to us all, on this meaningful day. Rarely do we have such outing but definitely it was a memorable and unforgetable one for everyone. Merry christmas and happy new year everyone. God live with us and he bring us peace and happiness.